at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
