Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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