so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
