I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
