it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
