The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
