New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
