My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
