Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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