She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
