If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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