Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
