I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
