my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
