I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
