Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
