I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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