My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
