I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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