my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
