Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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