I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
