like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
