3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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