Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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