There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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