There was a lot of him and a little penis
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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