I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
