What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
