How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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