while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
