So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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