he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
