apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
