bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
