Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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