My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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