My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
