dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
