when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
