can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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