I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize