So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
