I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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