The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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