got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
