Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Someone came in the potted fern
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
