then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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