I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And then he peed in my hair
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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