I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
