I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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