1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dignity is for republicans.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
