I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
