when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
