just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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