if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
