You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
