Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
